Lesson learned: be an athlete!

This week welcomes another fine example of athleticism trumping ethics:

Four Whitman High School athletes have been charged with felony assault and armed robbery in connection with a March 30 robbery at a business in downtown Bethesda. A fifth classmate, who worked at the store, also has been charged.

Whitman Principal Alan Goodwin said yesterday that the five students were being allowed to attend class and finish the school year because the alleged incident took place outside of school and because none of the five had been involved in any disciplinary problems.

Oh, I see. The robbery was an extracurricular activity, so they should be allowed to complete the school year. What?!?

Lazear, Schweiger, Ashley and Warren are members of the football and wresting teams at Whitman. A highly touted linebacker and fullback, Lazear attended a luncheon in Washington yesterday afternoon honoring this school year's All-Met athletes selected by The Washington Post. The 6-foot-1, 215-pound Lazear has 20 college football scholarship offers, including some from the country's top football teams.

Ahhh. THAT's why; it all makes sense now. Can't hurt the kid's chances of keeping his scholarship offers despite this pesky armed robbery thing! It will blow over soon enough.

Reached by telephone yesterday evening, Lazear's father, Harry, an assistant football coach at Whitman, said: "There's nothing we can say to help us. It's something that's going to have to go through the courts." Lazear added that the gun "involved was not a real gun." He declined further comment.

Dude, I don't care if they robbed the store with a banana, a water gun, or their thumb and index fingers. "The gun involved was not a real gun." WTF? They still robbed the store, didn't they?

And what of the $463 taken in the robbery?

"Warren divided the robbery proceeds in the vehicle: she received $5, Schweiger and Ashley each received $10." Warren told police that he also "gave Krouskas $40 from the robbery proceeds," according to the statement.

Big money! Yeah, that will shut them up. Warren must have been hit in the head too many times; what kind of cheap moron would pay his cohorts off with $5 and $10?

So the principal at Whitman claims that "I'm real disappointed that the charges are so serious and I hope the boys learn from this at an early age, that they don't make bigger mistakes when they're older. And I hope the other students in the community see that they should avoid making similar decisions that will adversely affect them." How the hell would they learn? Being able to finish school at home isn't much of a punishment. And that will prevent other students from doing the same thing how?

Boy, I can't wait to have kids.