First Down

I love that the undercover officers "fumbled" upon the operation...from the Chicago Tribune:

Tampa police arrested 10 people on Sunday outside Raymond James Stadium accusing them of operating a mobile strip club in the parking lot before the Bucs-Bears game. Undercover officers fumbled upon the business after noticing smiling young women in Buccaneers jerseys handing out fliers before Sunday's kickoff against the Bears. Police found several bouncers and dancers inside the jet-black, 40-foot-long 1987 motor home, which was being guarded by four men. Police found alcohol being sold inside and lap dances being conducted at $20 if the woman was topless and $40 if she was nude. Officers confiscated $2,000 and the arrests were made before kickoff. Regrettably for some Vikings, Tampa Bay played at Minnesota this year.

*CHOKE*

Anyway, it's also funny that the Cowboys, Redskins, and Giants all lose in OT this week, while hapless Philly wins. Cosmic forces at work here?

Tofurky Trauma

Oh, here's a great idea, brought to you by PETA (duh):

Now that he's moved over to Monday Night Football, NFL announcer John Madden won't be appearing in the broadcast booth at either of the two Thanksgiving Day NFL match-ups this year, and-thankfully-neither will his drumstick-and-cholesterol-laden turkey. PETA would love to see Madden's tradition of honoring the game's stars continue-but with a compassionate twist.

PETA has sent a delicious Tofurky® vegetarian feast to Madden, as well as Greg Gumbel, Phil Simms, and Armen Keteyian of CBS and Joe Buck, Chris Collinsworth, and Troy Aikman of Fox, asking them to give out the first annual "Tofurky Award" to the Player of the Game during their Thanksgiving week broadcasts.

I love animals as much as/if not more than the next person, but this is absurd (as well as a blatant Tofurky marketing gimmick).

The letter to Madden and the other broadcasters is great:

What NFL player wouldn't want to be rewarded with a healthy, delicious veggie roast, instead of the greasy tendons and fatty turkey skin that he's had in the past?

What player, indeed? Is this one of those pesky rhetorical questions, like "Is the Pope Catholic" or "Does a bear shit in the woods?"

I've never tried Tofurky, so I have no idea if it's any good; however, I can't see the "Tofurky Award" going over too well. How great would that be- you're the player of the game and you're presented with a big hunk of Tofurky? Sweet. I wonder how Gumbel, Collinsworth, Aikmen, et al. enjoyed their Tofurky feasts...

Update

More details on Jiri Fischer:

"His heart had stopped, and there was no pulse," coach Mike Babcock said. "But they hooked up the auto defibrillator, and they shocked him. The heartbeat that leads to death, they got that stopped, and going, and they continued with the CPR.
"It's our understanding that things are fine, and that he is going to be fine. He's stable."

Scary stuff. Glad to hear he's doing all right, though.

Fischer's Bench Collapse

A scary moment tonight for Jiri Fischer and the Red Wings:

Red Wings defenseman Jiri Fischer collapsed and was taken from the Detroit bench on a stretcher late in the first period of Monday night's game against the Nashville Predators.
Fischer suffered a seizure and was taken to Detroit Receiving Hospital where he was stable and responsive, according to John Hahn, Red Wings senior director of communications.
Play was stopped with 7:31 left in the period after the Red Wings alerted officials to a problem on the bench. Medical personnel performed CPR on the 25-year-old Fischer for several minutes and he was wheeled back toward the Red Wings dressing room.
An ambulance arrived at Joe Louis Arena and Steve Yzerman and Kris Draper skated a stretcher across the ice to where the player was being treated.
Two Red Wings players also helped escort Fischer's fiancee across the ice to the bench area.

As it turns out, the rest of the game was canceled. There was a lot of discussion as to what happened- did a puck or a stick hit him?- but it was a seizure or a heart attack. Given that Fischer has a heart condition, it was likely a mild heart attack.

Hope he gets better soon...

Crybaby Brown

Life is sweet. Kwame is stinking it up in L.A. these days:

Through seven games the 6-foot-11 power forward -- and former No. 1 overall pick -- is averaging just over six points and six rebounds in 28 minutes. He's shooting 39.6 percent from the floor. He's getting in early foul trouble. He's committing 2.71 turnovers per game.

And what does the team have to offer? Why, a bunch of excuses, of course:

For now the Lakers remain optimistic. They point out that Brown is still just 23 years old and that he only recently shed the splint on his thumb. They say he's generally worked hard and shown no signs of the poor attitude that poisoned his tenure with the Wizards. They also say his teammates have to do a better job of getting him the ball.

Oh, please. You could have him play a bunch of midgets (or is that "little people?") and he'd still have problems finding the basket. Poor baby, he got a boo-boo on his thumb and it hurted...a real athlete plays through pain consistently and well regardless, even in basketball. What a wuss.

You know it's bad when even your own coach thinks you suck:

"We thought this kid would be a natural out there for a double-double on any given night in the NBA," Jackson said at the time. "We have to really get after him to meet those expectations."

BWAH! I want to see the Phil Jackson smackdown on Kwame and see how Kwame reacts to that.

Kornheiser had a great "columnette" (his word) on Ovey today:

Here's my problem: Nothing really rhymes with Ovechkin.
You know, other than "Gobetchkin." Or "Mushneztkin." And they're kind of hard to work into a clever catchphrase for the best young hockey player this city has ever had.

He's absolutely right. If you haven't seen him yet- even if you don't like hockey- I insist you buy a cheap ticket to a game and go see him. The boy skates circles around EVERYONE on the ice, he scores, he even delivers some mean checks- we're talking higlight-reel stuff here. So much fun to watch.

And here's why I love Tony K.:

The Pittsburgh kid -- what's his name, Bing Crosby? -- already has 14 assists in 19 games to go with seven goals. He's obviously a great playmaker, but I'm taking the thunder...And now I'm pledging myself to Ovechkin, too. He's My Man!

Finally! A sportswriter who doesn't wet himself over the thought of Crosby! And who loves Ovechkin more! Now there's a first.

2-point implosion

Believe it or not, I made it back from Pigeon Forge. What a scary place- too many airbrushing stands and men wearing overalls. Once Moryma sends me her pics, I'll be putting something up on One Quarter Asian. I could do an entry alone on how freaky (and fashion-challenged) the University of Tennessee fans are. I never want to see the color orange again.

Wasn't that a great Redskins game yesterday? Sure looked like they were going to win it. Mike Wilbon's chat today was predictably full of whiners about the two-point conversion, but he put them in their place:

Wilbon's Wrong: Actually Wilbon if you look closer, the Betts return is when his heel NEVER hit the ground, therefore he was not out. I'm a runner and when you sprint, it's only your toes, that is why he was able to stay in. The 2-pt call was blatant and obivous...this is not Redskins propaganda but the complete truth and the league needs to do something about it.
This isn't just Redskin's calls but look around the league, its ridiculous. Let's not even get started on the "tuck" rule.

Michael Wilbon: You don't know his heel never hit the ground. You never heard anybody say his heel didn't hit the ground. All that ruling meant is that view didn't give the zebras enough evidence to say for a fact the camera shot proved his heel hit the ground. Same with Alstott, bro...This is why fan starts the word "fanatic"...Don't try to get it pass me that the refs always cheat or get it wrong for the other guy, but not your guy...Not in this Chat House.

He makes a good point on the questionable calls:

New York, N.Y.: Mike,
Thanks for giving us the opportunity to ask questions, I was wondering what you think of the Mike Alstott call now that you have probably seen a replay of it. In you column you seem unsure.

Michael Wilbon: I loved the call of sending Mike Alstott into the line to win the game from one yard out when your defense can't stop Mark Brunell. That's the smart play, win or lose. Now, did Alstott get in? No, I don't think so...But I'm not about to pin the game on a bad call when Ladell Betts stepped out of bounds on that kickoff return for touchdown and that wasn't called back either.

He didn't limit the smackdown to the 'Skins:

New York, N.Y.: Wilbon, Can the Giants rebound from that Horrible game on Sunday to prepare for Philly?

Michael Wilbon: What, you think they're going to lose the rest of their games and they're sobbing right now at the practice facility? Do you follow the results every week of NFL games? Teams bounce back all the time and come off of disappointing and sometimes even humiliating losses to win the next week...

So Eli sucked. (Yay!) It wasn't a horrible game, not like 36-0 or anything, though it sure was a weird one. Honestly, given the way the Eagles are playing and with the team turmoil they have right now, I don't think the Giants will have much trouble. Of course I hope they don't win, but things are on their side. I don't know what this yahoo is worried about. Typical Giants fan.

Great comment from Wilbon here:

Brunswick, Md.: Mike,
You slapped me around a couple of weeks ago when I suggested after the Giants game that Greg Williams and company might be over-rated.
What are thoughts on the Redskins defensive woes now?

Michael Wilbon: They've looked pretty bad two of the last three weeks...If it turns out you were ahead of the curve, I will beg forgiveness for my slapping and offer many hugs...But I don't think I feel that way just yet.

The Redskins defense, while it's not the worst, is inconsistent at best. They have some really great games, and then they have games like yesterday. What is that about?

Anyway, I am so incredibly jealous of The Advice Huckster for winning two courtside (!!!!) tickets to the upcoming Wiz/Lakers game. Huck, I fully expect you to be heckling Kwame loud enough to be heard on TV, like the annoying guy from the Nats games. If you're hoarse the next morning, you know you've done your job well. I hope Mr. "Six Points a Game" and "Couldn't Make It In D.C." Brown sucks it big-time when he comes back here.

And thanks to Anonymous, who brought my attention to this great article about T.O.'s career prospects:

He could play for the Oakland Raiders, who may overlook T.O.'s lack of actual criminal activity and hire him. Unfortunately, this predictable marriage couldn't occur for a while.

Jeopardy Contestant
"Ill take 'Songs of the '60s' for 200, Alex. What? I don't care if we haven't gotten to Double Jeopardy yet. I want 200. And I want it now."

Rap Star
Owens already has had some success on the other side of a recording studio, but he may be more suited to rockin' the mike. The stage name I'm going with is "2 Cent," which sort of defines T.O.'s inability to shut up when shutting up is important.

Another very brief hiatus

Due to this long weekend's exciting trip to "Action-Packed" Pigeon Forge, TN (seriously, that's how they bill themselves), I won't be updating until next week...in the meantime, I'll be following the T.O. saga and other stories. I just love that the pizza guy wouldn't even accept a tip from T.O. How awesome is that?

See you next week!

For the love of GOD

It's every straight man's wet dream:

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleader were charged Monday after their arrest at a bar where witnesses told police the woman had sex in a restroom.

Cheerleaders? Girl-on-girl action? Oh, it gets better:

Witnesses said the women were having sex in a stall, angering other patrons waiting in line to get into the restroom.

Thomas was charged with battery after allegedly striking a bar patron when she was leaving the restroom, then landed in even more trouble after police said she gave officers a driver's license belonging to another Panthers cheerleader who was not in Tampa.

And yes, even fighting. I'm sure the male spectators wished there was a mud or Jell-O pit the cheerleaders could have happened to fall into. This is straight out of one of DCLastCall's letters to Penthouse. Not quite the classy porn that Miss M was looking for...

BREAKING NEWS: T.O. is the ultimate asshole

Oh yeah, I guess that isn't much of a shocker.

Taking a cue from The Advice Huckster, I'm going to briefly address the situation (since it goes against my anti-T.O. policy). Anyone who couldn't see this coming is blind; after all, the dude did put his Jersey house on the market last month. I think Sean Salisbury from ESPN.com said it best:

I remember when Owens was leaving the 49ers and couldn't stop talking about how much he loved Donovan McNabb. Now he acts like the guy ran over his dog or something. Let's be honest here -- this isn't about McNabb or Garcia, it's about Owens. If he was with the Patriots he'd hate Tom Brady, if he was with the Colts he'd hate Peyton Manning. Heck, if he was with the Packers he'd hate Brett Favre. This is who Owens is and no team should have to stand for it because as great a receiver as he is, he's 10 times worse as a teammate.

I can't wait to see who picks him up next. Sure, the guy is a great player. Is he worth all the drama? Screw that! The damage he's doing to team morale is much worse than the injuries they're suffering right now.

A close runner-up to the Ultimate Asshole title would be Tom Benson:

Tom Benson was a no-show for New Orleans' game against Chicago on Sunday in Baton Rouge, staying true to his earlier promise never to return to the city where last week he swatted at a TV news camera and argued with a heckling fan.

After the Saints' loss to Miami a week ago, Benson fired off an e-mail to NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue saying his trip to Baton Rouge was a "total disaster," adding that he and his family members could have been injured or killed and that he would no longer attend games in Baton Rouge either this season or if any Saints games are scheduled here in 2006.

Money sure doesn't buy class or smarts, as Benson proves once again. "He and his family members could have been injured or killed." Give me a fucking break! Jackass. I truly hope he gets what's coming to him- and that don't mean lots and lots of money.

And who can believe that the Wizards, of all teams, would be 3-0 right now? Go Wiz! Gee, too bad Kwame and the Lakers aren't having as strong of a start right now...in fact, it appears that Kwame hasn't done much yet in two games for the Lakers. Let's hope that trend continues.

The rise of Butterstick Zimmerman

When I heard this on the news this morning, I wasn't overly surprised: the Nats traded Vinny Castilla to San Diego for right-handed pitcher Brian Lawrence. Castilla was starting to show his age, especially towards the end of the season, with the injury to his left knee. The addition of Ryan Zimmerman to the lineup in September made an immediate impact at 3B. Anyone could see that Castilla wasn't needed there anymore, especially since Zimmerman could not only play well at 3B, but he could hit well too. Castilla was really struggling with both aspects. It's hard, because at some point, age does become a factor. How do you compete against a 21-year-old?

Zimmerman's potential left the Nationals essentially having to move Castilla, who is 38 but wants to remain a starter, according to his agent, Eric Goldschmidt. "He still thinks he can play every day," Goldschmidt said.

Yeah, Castilla, good luck with that.

I was hoping that Zimmerman would get more playing time next season and it looks like he's certainly going to get it now. Some of the Nat fanatics have dubbed him "Dutch" Zimmerman, and in one case, "Butterstick" Zimmerman. (I'm partial to the latter myself.) He is definitely proving himself worthy of having a nickname; he's done quite well in the Arizona Fall League and I look forward to seeing more of him in the spring.

Halloween Edition

I just loved Gene Weingarten's chat today so much, that I have to reproduce it here. First, especially for the Captain (since I know he loves Gene too), the comment about the Redskins. Pretty harsh, even I have to admit:

Anyonymous Source: The Redskins stink this year, but please don't quote me.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. You know, I meant to start this chat with a statement about that game on Sunday, but I realized that this was a difficult issue. I have, in the past, gloated about the Yankees at the expense of the Orioles, but I did that knowing that the Orioles are not really in the hearts of the area sports fans. I know you guys love your Skins, and I am far too sensitive -- and desirous of maintaining readership -- to express any joy in the defeat of the Redskins at the hands of my childhood team, the Giants. So I will leave it to others to make immature and hurtful comparisons, such as suggesting that the blood left on the field was menses.

Now, on to the rest, a discussion about Halloween costumes. I love those egg and sperm costumes:

Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
After about 7:30, in my neighborhood, Halloween gets just a little jaded. The average age of the trick or treaters begins to rise, and their enthusiasm to fall. A sense of wonder is replaced by a sense of entitlement. Fabulously dorky Mom-designed costumes are replaced with ten-cent masks, or nothing at all. Halloween becomes a listless, cynical trolling for free treats. I give them up, though, because what will we do with 200 Snickers Fun-Size! bars the next day? But I have my limits.

Around 8 o'clock last night the doorbell rang and a kid was at the door. He had to be 18. He wore no costume. He was a big guy, almost threateningly large. He had a cell phone clapped to his ear. Wordlessly, he turned around and presented his backpack, into which I was supposed to drop some candy. I could see that others had. I had the candy in my hand, but instead, reached for the nearest non-candy item I could find, which explains why -- big, rude kid, are you reading this? -- there was a cigar stub in your backpack.
_______________________

Land of milk and beer: I'm not normally a fan of the almost-high school aged kids that tend to show up at our house on Halloween. Last night proved an exception. A group of kids, easily middle school-aged, rang the bell. Among them were a couple of ducks, a couple of horribly sick looking individuals, and a couple of hapless looking kids dressed as commandos.
They informed me, when asked, that they were the president's response to a possible bird flu outbreak.
I was tempted to give them all the candy I had.
_______________________

New York, N.Y.: I had some great high school trick or treaters come by last night. At 8:30 ish a guy in a giant round pink costume knocked and asked for candy. At 8:45, about 15 other kids dressed as sperm dropped by looking for the guy in the egg costume. It was great. _______________________

Parlez-vo,US: Halloween was the most fun when I was living in France. Everyone gets into it - everybody gets to dress up. Even the homeless guys were "in the spirit" - hiding in trash cans and jumping out at people, putting on masks and running around the downtown streets. Parents and kids hanging around the downtown area at 10 o'clock at night and just having a howling crazy time.
I miss it. It's not fair that we don't get to dress up like Superman one night a year anymore. Stupid adulthood.
_______________________

Baltimore, Md.: Regarding trick or treaters - I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Last night, a number of kids showed up without costumes. I always ask what they were dressed at, mostly to see how creative they could be. One young child (about 10 years old), scrunched up his face, thought for a moment and then said "I'm a junkie!" I also encountered pimps and drag queens. None of these children were older than 12. So what do you think? Laugh or cry?
_______________________

Halloween Costume: When I was in 8th grade, I dressed up in the cliche costume of a girl from the '50s (poodle skirt, bobbie socks, etc). One of my teachers (an old lady) lived in the neighborhood and we stopped at her house to trick-or-treat. She yelled at me because she thought I wasn't wearing a costume!